Even when a breakup is justified, it can be messy and painful. Things often get said that are later regretted, and both people usually are hurt. Relationships that started as friendships often dissolve into bitterness and hatred. Breakups sometimes occur when the couple still love each other - this is so very tragic, but dramatic circumstances within the relationship prevent the couple from being together.
Healthy long-term relationships are characterized by an easy air of convivial collegiality - even when arguing, there's little doubt the couple love each other. A relationship in trouble, however, exhibits none of this comfortable geniality. Neither partner displays any interest in doing anything with the other, and it seems more like a motel than a home, with each partner checking in and out during the day, with no emotional commitment.
Of course, there's no longer any physical intimacy between them - that's usually one of the first casualties of an imminent breakup. Even eye contact is avoided - neither seems to want to acknowledge the other. Even when both are at home, it's a cold and lonely place.
Even though they may feel helpless to solve the problem, often neither party wants to end the relationship. When this is the situation, their first step should be to sit together and identify their problems and confront them together. If the relationship's been going downhill for a while, the problems won't all be solved in a single conversation. This is just a beginning, and it's sufficient even if the only resolution they reach is that they love each other enough to try to salvage it.
After talking together, they must part for a while and meditate on their talk and on whether they're willing to make the commitment and sacrifices necessary to save the relationship. This is no time for either to give lip service to saving the relationship - if either one isn't committed to preserving the relationship, they should let it end.
If, in their hearts, they both want to save the relationship, it's time to start talking about the specific problems they're encountering and working out solutions. Again, this isn't the time for recriminations, regardless. This is triage - identifying first the most critical obstacles to staying together and trying to deal with them. Honesty and candor are still paramount - don't make commitments to a course of action you're uncomfortable with, or know you cannot live up to. All that achieves is to hurt the other person and betray their trust. Pledges made in these conversations must be kept.
The second step is something you set about as soon as the first step is well underway - while you're identifying and solving problems, discuss also your hopes and dreams - and how they might have changed since you first got together. Make new good memories together. If you care deeply about each other even though you don't really share many interests or dreams, don't be too concerned - some special couples have glorious relationships without sharing any particular interests or aspirations, but those they have are complementary. As long as you can continue to care for each other and continue to express it in word and in deed, your relationship should stay secure and thrive.
Finally, keep your eye on the prize - restoring your relationship and making it even better than it was before. Keep on communicating - falling back into the old habit of not communicating will pull you down into the same rut. And if you need help, don't be ashamed, go ahead and ask for it! Now you're at a point where you've become used to problem-solving, and when new issues crop up, you're more than capable of dealing with them immediately so that they don't become overwhelming. The time will come when, looking back, the two of you will realize that this crisis was probably the best thing that happened to you!
If you found this article helpful, also check out stop a break up and preventing a breakup.
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